When I was a child, I had this obsessive dream that I was flying. Every night for a few weeks, I was flying above the world, taking off from high buildings from different cities and just flying on. Smoothly, eyes down observing the crowds and looking for the next high peak to land on. Similar to Icarus from Greek mythology (but much closer to the ground and far away from the Sun), I could fly.

I don’t dream much anymore, or at least I can’t remember much of my dreams when I wake up. But I have different dreams. Life dreams. Reachable dreams. The ones  that if you work hard and keep your north star, you will end up living them.

Spoiler alert (so that you can stop reading) – my dream is to cease doing the type of work I do right now by the time I am 50, move to Spain (Valencia or further south), open a restaurant and live there. For those who don’t know me: I am a good cook (not a chef yet). I love cooking, it’s one of my passions, I could have my own restaurant with a fine dining approach, but with enough food on your plates 🙂

That’s my materialistic dream. Quantifiable, measurable, tangible. On the non-tangible goals, I want to leave something behind, a mark, a spot, a mosquito bite. So that I did not live for nothing. A question mark in some people’s heads, an idea or a thought at the right time to make an impact in someone’s life.

I was always a dreamer, at least this is how people around me would portray me. With high hopes, out of reach goals and crazy ideas. But they were mine. And not for now, but for future. Far enough future so that I can strive today for that dream and not be disappointed I can’t reach it tomorrow.

Coming back to this story. I believe we live too much in the present and in the very near short-termed future. Wanting everything, right now – I want a promotion, I want a 20% salary increase, I want a new car, I want a new house, I want to travel to an exotic place. NOW. But what for? What’s my end goal?

We stopped dreaming. We stopped making long term plans for long term goals. Everything is so fast moving and everything is lived in the very present. What if we shift our focus to the next few years of our life? If we look at our future US, the best version of US in the next few years. Would we look to:

• Check health regularly
• Exercise at gym, exercise in the park but also exercise the brain
• Relax, disconnect
• Indulge good food and a glass of whatever (wine in my case)
• Learn something new every day
• Take care of our family and friends
• Put money aside for our long term dream and for anything that could happen
• Don’t burn stages in our personal development/progression though this implies more money

It’s easy to jump to the next opportunity providing more (money, perks, status….). But is this always the right thing to do? Do we keep our north star by making the move? What if we think twice, what if we think different?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to always aim for more, to always push boundaries, but we need to balance this need with our long term objectives.

I personally made the mistake to be jumping for more money (just for the money, nothing else) and forgetting my north star, ignoring advice. I’ve got burnt, just like Icarus when he was trying to get closer to the Sun.

So I am now balancing my thirst for more and my inner need for reaching my dream faster with happiness, time for myself and for my family, time for my hobbies and just enjoying life. I believe I’m living my dream. Until I’m living the next one 🙂

This does not have a conclusion. Just random thoughts about dreams, work, life, happiness and balance 🙂

I believe it’s improper to say “you own a dog” the same way it’s improper to say “you own a kid”. I do have a dog, a 2-year-old Border Collie. And basically, I don’t have him, we have each other.

But if you have a dog, or if you’re a dog lover, this article makes more sense for you.

I am a morning person. Usually, by 6am I am up & running, all showered and caffeinated. And when I open the door to the courtyard, there he is, my lovely boy: eyes wide open, wagging tail, and honestly, I could see a smile on his face, though I think it’s all in my head 😊 Or not…

Those eyes, that joy. And it’s every time, no matter if it rains or it’s cold outside, or a very hot summer day. Or I have done something wrong to him like shouting at him or finger pointing him. He is there, eyes wide open, wagging tail with a smile on his face. Always forgiving, always waiting, always happy to see me.

Those eyes. The way he looks at me. Like I’m the best person in the world. And that look and those eyes make me every morning think of what I can do better, how I can help others and for me to be a better person.

In these 2 years we’ve been together, I learned something.

LESSON ONE – TRUE EMPATHY AND KINDNESS

I have seen senior people in senior leadership roles mimicking empathy. Listening to you, nodding, and saying repeatedly “Yes, I do understand you”. But do they really? As I see no follow ups, no changes in their behavior towards people they listen to, nothing. It’s just a feel-good interaction for 30 minutes while they fake empathy and make you feel good for a second. “Fake it till you make it”, they say.  But people are not stupid and can feel false empathy at some point. “Fool me once, shame on you, fool my twice shame on me” – we figure it out at some point and we just isolate ourselves from false empathic people. Hope you do because I am doing this 😊

Anyway, back to the doggie.

My father passed away January this year. It was all of a sudden, unexpectedly. We visited my parents last Christmas together with the doggo, just one month before he died. For sure he knew something, for sure he was hiding it from us.

And here it was, the Border Collie covering my dad with his melancholic joy, all the time in his arms, in his lap, walking alongside him. He’s never done that. And we were happy that finally they became friends.

It was a month later, we figured it out the reason why Oscar (yes, that’s doggy’s name) was covering him with love and empathy, being so kind to him. Like saying: “I know you’re in pain, but here I am, full open heart for you. Pet me, hug me, it will make you feel better“. I know for sure my dad enjoyed that time together, I saw him happy, laughing and hugging someone for the last time.

I have seen great business leaders, visionary ones, who can define strategies and implement them by the book. No feelings, just business. A bit of empathy, of bit humanity and kindness – that’s all it takes to become a great leader, not just a business leader. So that people can really feel you’re there for them, not a listening machine.

LESSON TWO – CHARISMA, COURAGE AND ACCOUNTABILITY FOR POOR DECISIONS

My dog is brilliant. Charismatic as hell, with a strong personality. And no matter how much money I’ve spent with his training, he kept his personality. I love that at him. Stubborn but submissive when the case. And he’s fearless. He usually knows when to go wild. But sometimes he doesn’t. He just feels it’s the right thing to do to be bold and take chances. And 90% of the time he’s right. He takes the best decisions ever. But sometimes, he just messes up. And it’s enough one single look from me for him to understand he was wrong. And I can see in his eyes that he understands, he takes accountability, tail between the legs and back to his crate for half an hour until we become friends again. But before we become friends again, he slowly gets his nose and eyes out of the crate staring at me for a sign of forgiveness 😊

You can’t be a leader if you can’t take decisions. And there are people trying to get 100% of the information before they can take a decision. One – you’ll never have 100% of the information. Two – it may become too late to take a decision when you have enough information to take a decision. Indecision is worse than a bad decision.

So often, as a good doggie, we need to take decisions based on a set of information we have at that time, but using our instinct, our gut feeling. An instinct which gets better each time we mess up.

LESSON THREE – WHO LEADS WHO

I often see people saying “I own a dog, I am walking my dog in the park, I am leading my dog”. But do they really? I believe it’s a partnership between a dog and a human. Nobody leads anybody. It’s a symbiosis which works, fulfilling each other needs. Sometimes, I need to get somewhere fast while he walks alongside me. But he’s joyful, stopping by and sniffing everything, playing with other dogs and I have to be a bit tougher in voice and action so that he follows.

Other times, I am just wandering around, headsets on, with my thoughts floating around my head like in a Brownian motion and I just follow him. He knows best how to lead me in those moments.

Like in a team – there are times when the leader takes decisions which are not necessarily popular, but they’re the right ones, and times when the team decides what’s best for them and the leader follows the team’s decision.

LESSON FOUR – Better planning of the day. Each day. Yes, weekends included

I developed daily routines, in the morning and in the evening. No lazy times, no excuses. We need to walk and run together. It was a pain in the beginning. Who wants to run in a morning rain? Who wants to go outside on a January evening at -5 instead of having a nice glass of red wine after a long workday? Not me.

But a boy has his needs, and he needs his active time. And I have to follow.

It did not take long to start enjoying the time we spend together. His joy is contagious. Same as his energy. Like a drug, you always come back for more. Running in the park and in the woods. Fresh air, a bit of sport and joy of being together, high-quality endorphins.

So nowadays, I’m planning my entire day around these activities. Strictly, no excuse to be lazy anymore and with hard stops when i need to. I know when my day starts, and I know when my work finishes.

I was mentioning that glass of red wine. That’s not missing, but it’s just after our time together has finished.

It’s like in a team. Without a plan and without having fun time together, there’s no team. It may be a group of people working together towards a goal. But without a plan and a bit of fun, it easily becomes a pain and a stress.

I don’t personally believe in a 9-to-6 job. If it’s only a job without fun and interpersonal connections, then you may be better running off. Work needs to have a social element to it. Yes, we’re all incentivized by the end goal and impact, but we work alongside other people, and we need to feel good together, right? We spend too much time at work. Why don’t we make it fun?

And in closing, my favorite British comedian Ricky Gervais talking about dogs (I do hope you watched his Netflix show Afterlife).

Control, control, control. That’s what we want, right? To have control of all aspects of our life. It would be so much easier to control the outcome of someone else’s actions. But we all know that’s impossible. So why do we stress so much for the uncontrollable?

Science says exactly what the picture above depicts. There are 3 circles:

• What we can control, one in which we are the masters of the output, our work, our feelings, our words (but that does not mean we can control the impact of our words)
• What we could influence, one in which we can
• And there’s the outer space, whatever we cannot control. Some of the studies you may find on this topic, call this The Circle of Concern. But why would you be concerned about something you cannot control?

I have learned this the hard way, during my transition from hands-on software engineer to first time team lead.

Given my sloppy start in computer science, I knew my chances. I never planned to be a first-class developer to do research and innovation using intense algorithmic programming (though I was ace at math).I always aimed to be a good engineer to solve a business problem no matter the programming language I used. And that worked, I was a good engineer.

I was now a senior software engineer in one of the leading telecom players, part of a 10 people team. My team lead got promoted and my team suddenly ended up with no proper leadership. Given that I was one of the most client and solution-oriented people in the team (not the best developer, to be noted), I was nominated to be in charge of the team.

Never dreamt of that. Never wanted that. What do I do? What’s next? How do I lead others? What does it mean? Thousands of questions and insecurities coming along with a larger paycheck and new responsibilities.

There were nights when I could not sleep. There were days I thought my work is worth nothing. I did not know how to play the role. I had no confidence the team is delivering what the client wants. I was in sync with every developer in my team on a 10-minutes basis. Doing all code reviews for every team member. Being in all the stand-ups and any meeting one of my team members were having with the client. Just to make sure things are going all right…

And this consumed me a lot and found myself fatigued of following up, chasing and controlling (or at least my perception of control, as I was not able to control anything, barely influence).

It took my one full year and external help to figure it out that I was a control freak. And I believe most of us engineers are control freaks, aiming the best for our clients and making sure our solutions are bullet proof. And this works if we act as lone wolves. But it’s never going to work when we work in a team.

TRUST is the key. Trust your team mates. As a team lead, you can grow a culture of ownership, empowerment and fellowship (all for one and one for all). It changes perspectives, morale, and ownership in a team.

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PS: I have more than 20 years experience in software development/engineering industry, I prefer to call software engineers those who look for solutions to business problems, no matter the technology. I do understand software developers’ needs of using latest and shiniest technology. But there’s a big difference between an engineer and a developer. Their motivation is different. Sometimes (but rarely) it can overlap.

Following the initial story of bursting the bubble, I am going to share another experience that changed my life.

Growing in a small town in the eastern long-underfinanced Romania, in a middle-working-class family, who turned poor after the communist revolution, was not easy. I developed some frustrations of not having what other kids around me had.

I was very good in school, especially in math. That was my refuge. I started to make money from early age, doing other kids’ homeworks. Got to do something to buy those nice sneakers, right?

And when I was 18, I started Computer Science faculty with no background in computers, knowing nothing about technology and not having a computer at home. So, quite a difficult start. I just wanted a career to give me something more than I could achieve in a small town.

While in college, I started to discover technology and be passionate about programming. I felt fulfillment coding my first app, my first website, my first game. And I’ve seen them working (buggy and clumpsy, but working) and used by other people. It felt so good and rewarding.

Finishing Computer Science in the early 2000’s provided me with plenty of opportunities. I traveled the world, I was having access to any new trend in technology, changing jobs and industries so easily. Riding the wave!

And when changing jobs, I was always looking for more money, for status and self-validation (looking back, I know this came from my childhood frustrations, but back then it all made sense for me). I progressed financially to a level I never thought I could reach. I had things I never thought I could have when I was a child.

I was now in my early 30’s, married, my daughter was one year old at that time. I had a very well-paid job. I believed I had everything I needed, everything I hoped for.

UNTIL ONE DAY…

I collapsed and ended up in hospital. My blood tests were a mess, I was fatigued. The doctors told me I was in burn out and having an early-stage depresion. I could not understand the word or state of depression. I was considered to be a happy guy. I was in absolut denial and pushing back to the diagnostics.

At some point, I took some days off to reflect on this. Being always on the run and in the middle of the whirlwind, I did not notice what was gradually happening to me.

I was working extremly long hours. With people I did not share the same values and not enjoying their company. I did not have time for my family, for my friends, for my hobbies anymore. I was paid generous amount of money, but I did not have time or will to enjoy it.

I felt trapped, I felt like in a cage. On one hand I wanted to keep the same financial level and continue providing for my family. On the other hand, I was far from being healthy. And I was far from being happy, which I realized after a few years of transition.

And this turmoil reminded me of Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s search for Meaning” and a special quote in there that I haven’t followed and lived by lately – “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing – the freedom to choose their path“. That was intriguing. I just took the book and re-read it in one single day. Once finished, I said to myself: “Lucian, let’s get back in control of our life and live it in your own way, a happy one, like it used to be when you were a kid“.

I return to my job the next day just to hand in my notice. I quit my job having nothing lined up in front of me. That felt refreshing and scary at the same time.

And here I was – unemployed. Exactly like my parents 20 years ago. But this time, IT WAS MY CHOICE.

And I just realized: money is important, but it’s not everything. Life and meaning in life are more than that. Life and meaning in life are beyond social status and how important we are perceived in a community. Our health, our happiness, our relationships, our meaning in life are beyond a job, money, status.

I learnt the importance of balancing my priorities in my life by sacrificing my health and my relationships with my dear ones. Funny thing how moments of true learning and revelation come when we allow ourselves to put harmful ideas and contexts behind us…

I then promised myself to look for things and experiences that really make me happy. And be surrounded by people I enjoy being with. Finding purpose and meaning in my life instead of money or status. And after more than 10 years from that event, I am very happy and proud to have had the strength to take that tough decision and search for my meaning instead of remaining trapped in a toxic environment just for the money.

Photo: https://zfunds.in/m/how-much-money-is-enough

It’s so easy to let ourselves submersed in an opaque world. In a comfy environment, with no challenges, where everything is known, the future has no surprises and everything is familiar. With no windows to the outer universe.

Let me tell you a very personal story about bubbles, opaque worlds and how an open window can change a life.

I was born in a small town in Romania. Some would say it’s the poorest in the country. Statistics do not contradict that either.

My parents were middle-class people. Hard working, one single job their entire life at the textile factory in the town. The factory shut down in the early 90’s (after the Revolution) when I was just a kid. Both of them became unemployed. From middle-class, having a decent living, our family plunged into poverty and insecurity of what came next.

I was surrounded by my parents’ love. And they’ve put all their efforts into my education and to provide me with the bare minimum necessities. But with all their love and all their care, they’ve instilled into my head a FEAR. The fear of uncertainty, the fear of unknown and implicitly the fear of not having a stable job. And unconsciously they’ve put into my mind a DREAM. The dream of having a safe, secure job with a stable income.

I was rocking math and I was the best in my class. I loved to read books, study history, solve math problems and play football with all the kids in the neighborhood. Despite our financial issues as a family, I was a really happy kid. Happy days and happy childhood. I was a really happy nerd.

But I had limited knowledge of the world outside of my small town and outside of my network, the people I knew. All role models for me were teachers, doctors, police officers and soldiers. All of them with secure jobs and stable income.

I was in awe with my math teacher and given my passion for the numbers I was seeing myself following a similar career. A stable one, with secure income, one I could be good at and one that would allow me to give something back. I had a DREAM. A dream created in a bubble. I could see my whole life ahead already. And that felt safe.

UNTIL ONE DAY…

I was 18, ready for a lifetime teaching career. I was in my room surrounded by my books, glasses on my nose and the back to the door. Like a real geek. I remember that day so clearly that I could draw any details of the room.

We’ve got a distant relative visiting us. It was the first time I saw that lady. She used to be a teacher but now she traveled the world with her new job. She was telling me stories about a world and a lifestyle that I’ve seen only in the movie. I was fascinated that someone who left from the same small town could live that unknown life to me and have such experiences.

And while she was heading out of my room, she said:

• I see you’re studying. What do you want to pursue as a career?
• I want to be a teacher. A math teacher.
• Why? Do you want to be poor? (In Romania the teachers have always been under paid and the entire educational system underfinanced)
• But I am poor now. Is there anything else I can do with my life given my skills and knowledge?

Finding out what my career aspirations were, she remember with a smile on her face the joy and happiness she felts being surrounded by students. But on the other hand, she wasn’t feeling complete with the road she has taken. That’s wy she made a change and gave up teaching.

If she would be my age, she would take another path and study computers (which was new at that time, especially in post-communist Romania). It would pay well, I could see the world and the brains would be challenged given the technology rapid advances.

I did not have a computer. I knew NOTHING about technology. I was a pen and paper geek. But I wanted to do something special in life. And having a decent living (an aspect I neglected when choosing my dream). And here it was, someone from my outer world penetrating my well-known universe with this new perspective.

I felt my dream breaking and my bubble cracking. Instinctively I was trying to fix my bubble, to protect it and reject this new wild idea. But I was so intrigued by the new prospect, by this opportunity – which seemed so close and at the reach of my hand given my math skills. All I had to do is to embrace a crazy-unkonwn idea, risk and adapt.

After sleepless nights, I talked to my parents who were strongly against something they had no clue about. Actually I had no clue about it either, but at least I heard a story which convinced me I could have a good life (financially at least).

And I know it’s good to listen to your parent. And I did (partially), I’ve got admitted and I followed both Math and Computer Science faculties simultanesouly for a full year. And when I’ve got a job in the second college year, I told my parents I’m giving up Math and focus solely on Computer Science, thus finally bursting my bubble. Best decision I’ve taken by the age of 20.

And here I am today. Still bursting bubbles and still open to the new. Not getting comfortable with where I am and what I do. Always in the search for a new challenge from which I can learn.

I know it’s easy to stay in our comfort zone, in our safe bubble. But what if we embrace the unkown? What if we don’t avoid risks anymore and see them as opportunities? What if learn not be frightened by new perspectives and unlearn our fears? How would our lives change?

Photo: https://cdn2.psychologytoday.com/